Jasmine Hart

Your theme is very good. I'd try experimenting with it, taking different approaches and using a variety of formats. If you want some new forms, do an internet search, or ...

This is really great, penguin. I loved the simplicity and the power which it holds. It flows beautifully. I especially love the second and last stanzas.

How are you so brilliant? I'm so jealous that it's not even funny. I'll try to overcome the jeacousy a little so I can be helpful... I'm not sure about; ...

Briar I downed another paper cup of coffee and shuddered. It tasted like dirt, but it was that or fall asleep on the table, which was covered in spills, not ...

Gone forever? Ya, it has been gone about a month now, I think. That's so upsetting. I joined after it died...I'd write on storybook corpses...there were still a couple going...upset ...

Some good points have been made. I think you could trim this down a bit as you don't need everything you say. Maybe try; "Why do you do this to ...

This is lovely. The first four lines were great. I think "Into a dopey state" sounded a little weak and forced. Maybe get rid of this line altogether, and then ...

You express yourself well, I like the theme, and the last stanza is great. At times, I think you were a bit too wordy-you just didn't need all the words! ...

Never really though about storybook points...never really think about points at all, would probably bring me closer to maths than I want to be...I guess it makes sense as it ...

Briar "Sit down." She said. I sat, and she took a seat opposite me. "Briar,"she began, "I will not tolerate disobidience in my household." I looked at her levelly. "I ...

Azila makes the very good point that my characters need to be more rounded. I'm not very good at developing my characters in short pieces like this, so if anyone ...

This is really great bubbles. The flow is perfect and the rhyme works really well. I love your vivid descriptions, and the repetition was a nice touch. I loved; "He ...

Hey Jared. Your description here is good, and the story flows very well. I like the use of "he" and "she", as it increased my sense of watching the scene ...

Niteowl's suggestion of more imagery is a good one. Try to engage at least some of the senses in your piece, I think it will help. I'd add punctuation as ...

If you want to make alterartions, just click the edit button, and you'll be able to lay the lines out the way you want to. Your theme is interesting. I'd ...